Chris Valenti

This is weird. It looks as though I have been added to the modern vernacular. I just discovered that urbandictionary.com has added the term “Chris Valenti Syndrome” to their book. I’m disappointed, I was hoping for Wikipedia…

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chris%20valenti%20syndrome

Chris Valenti Syndrome is described as “the syndrome in which an unmarried individual falls in love with an engaged individual, and the engaged with the unmarried, but does nothing until the engaged individual is married. usually leaves both parties in a depressed state.”

Come on…. That’s such a narrow portrayal of all the Emotional Wreckage I represent. That’s like… just one song.

I think most people understand the true nature of Chris Valenti Syndrome. As we all know, the Mayo Clinic has been studying this condition for years now. They’ve even asked me to donate my body once I die, or sooner.

Once thought to be somewhat rare, research and album sales have shown this condition to be quite common. Carried on the X chromosome, CVS is caused by a recessive gene mainly affecting males, but ironically, only women are carriers. Actually that makes quite a lot of sense.

Controversy has arisen between researchers over the necessary features required to be present in order for a patient to be correctly diagnosed with CVS. The committee has agreed that three essential components must be present, along with at least 2 out of 5 additional characteristics observed by a certified clinician.

The three essential components are as follows: 1- The patient must be single and actively seeking to date and find the ideal lifelong romantic partner at all times. 2- When the subject does finally find himself in a romantic relationship, he must reach a point where he feels utter apathy towards the relationship and is completely bored with his newfound mate, often finding flaws in such physical features as her hairline or earlobes. This should take no longer than two months. 3- At a point soon after either the patient or the newfound mate terminates this relationship, patient will profoundly regret this action. This point often comes only seconds after the break-up has occurred, but may also take many years before the gravity of the loss takes its full effect. Full penetrance could also occur instantaneously due to an unexpected circumstance such as a random supermarket meeting.

The five additional characteristics, of which two must be observed, include: Incessant whining and complaining over the said romantic loss, often in artistic form such as written screenplays, mediocre standup comedy sets, or simple twelve bar blues. A growing intolerance of children and happy families, especially families of people patient knows well. A noticably reduced time period allowed for courtships, often even minutes seems far too long. Ability to identify dozens of photos on the new dating site that patient recognizes from the old dating site. A large Netflix que.

Also priaprism, of course, is generally expected.

The Center for Disease Control has not presently approved any therapies. It has been leaked to the press that the Merck Corporation has placed a bid on my cell line with hopes to develop a genetic remedy in their orphan drug division. One Merck representative pointed out the irony that it was once believed that CVS was a venereal disease and could simply be prevented by a quick trip to CVS.

Well, that’s all I know about Chris Valenti Syndrome. There’s also the other kind where you have an insatiable need to come watch Chris Valenti perform. If you have this version, I will be playing a full set this Friday night, Sept 5th at The Talking Stick’s new location 1411 Lincoln Blvd, Venice, CA 90291. The show, called Java with Javelyn, starts at 7pm. I believe I go on about 8.

I have a brand new song I’ll be playing. Scratch Track Tuesdays is happening again. Look for the new song to be up on the site very soon. And more songs will follow each Tues - or so. The weekly writing is back.

Hope to see you Friday!

Time to cut loose a little bit. Let’s meet. Hang out at a fun happy hour (with great food and drink specials - not to mention the cheapest parking on Sunset). Then head over to see the big show in the Main Room of the Comedy Store.

We meet up at The Saddle Ranch (8371 Sunset Blvd) for happy hour at 6. Hang out. Eat, giggle, drink a little. Then head over to the Comedy Store (8433 Sunset Blvd) at 7:30 for the 8pm show, where we laugh, giggle, and drink a little more. Then, since it’s Friday, we go back to the Saddle Ranch for more of the same. Come have some fun with us.

I have a limited number of Comedy Store advance tickets for $15 each. You can purchase them here..

Last Comic Standing and Live at Gotham vet Vargus Mason heads up this great Friday night show at the world famous club. A Friday night not to miss.

The first time went so well, I was invited back to headline at the Improv!

If you want to come for free, e-mail me at ChrisValentiMusic@GMail.com and I’ll get you on the guest list. The show Tuesday, July 29. It’s the 10pm show. The address is 8162 Melrose Ave.

Here’s the line up:

Evan Wecksell - Evan’s act is a blend of comedy and music. He celebrates dysfunctional relationships, endorses unorthodox career paths, and makes fun of bad music.

Kelly Meyersfield - is one of the funniest and most perverse gals around. Her sweet little face gives nothing away but her upcoming one woman musical, “There will Never be Enough Pizza,” tells all. And I mean ALL.

Vomit - Comprised of Skye and Moone, identical twins separated at age 11 when their parents got divorced. They were reunited when Skye got arrested and Moone bailed her out. Vomit was born.

Joel Moss - You know when you were masterbating growing up, and someone would come in the garage, and you would have to rush to make sure that the porno was turned off and everything was clean to the appearance? That’s what Joel Moss music sounds like, like you ought to get in trouble for listening to it; like it’s going to leave a layer of flith on parts of you that you can’t scrub clean. And then you laugh, and you feel even worse.

The Ukulady (Thessaly Lerner) - The UkuLady plays the ukulEighties, ukulOriginals, and ukulinkies. She is wonderfully sharp and funny! Her manic comic energy recalls Saturday Night Live alums.

Mandy Steckelberg - After years of performing comedy and improv in New York City, Mandy moved west and found her inner songwriter. Her songs explore political, emotional, and sexual topics that will amuse, horrify, and possibly arouse you.

John Norwood - Gonna be funny

Dan Reutter & Kevin Pug - Gonna be doubly funny

Kirk Zipfel - Funny singing actor. Six feet tall.

Chris Valenti - (my personal favorite) His songs of struggles, blunders, and missed opportunities that radiate the painfully funny universal suffering we all endure when dating. Chris writes and performs songs that touch upon the common truths of the humorous lives of misfortunate single people.

I don’t have very good luck in July. Last year I punctured my left cornea. This year I missed that target by about an inch and instead gashed open my forehead during an attempted ocean kayaking excursion.

I was invited to headline at the Improv!

If you want to come for free, e-mail me at ChrisValentiMusic@GMail.com and I’ll get you on the guest list. They’re giving me a big list. The show is next week, Tuesday, June 17. It’s the 10pm show. The address is 8162 Melrose Ave.

This will truly be a great show. Here’s the line up:

Brooke Wilkes - Blonde good looks are icing on the light and sugary cake. Brooke’s retro-driven sound and sense of humor thrives in a fun-filled party-time setting.

Vomit - Comprised of Skye and Moone, identical twins separated at age 11 when their parents got divorced. They were reunited when Skye got arrested and Moone bailed her out. Vomit was born.

Riegel and Blatt - From the brain of LA’s Sam Riegel & Rob Blatt comes the most inventive, weird and downright handsome sketch comedy in the known universe.

Scott Vinci - Google him yourself. I’ve given up.

Smooth E - Eric Schwartz aka Smooth-E (not related to the Eric Schwartz I performed with in April) is more than meets the four eyes. This stand-up comedian, sketch player, rapper and actor seamlessly weaves through a countless lineup of original characters and musical pieces, making him a favorite at clubs, colleges, on television and the web.

Odes Gross - Funny actor/piano player. Great songs about those with low tolerance levels.

WeHo Beanflickers - Your guess is as good as mine. Although, I live in West Hollywood so mine might be a little better.

Chris Valenti - (my personal favorite) His songs of struggles, blunders, and missed opportunities that radiate the painfully funny universal suffering we all endure when dating. Chris writes and performs songs that touch upon the common truths of the humorous lives of misfortunate single people.